Have you ever known a person who really needed badly to
change their ways? Everyone makes mistakes but there are those who just either
don’t want to recognize what they are doing is destructive, or they refuse to
accept they are the only one who is responsible for their own actions. It’s
someone else’s problem.
Then another person comes alone and takes up the task
of helping the other person see what they are doing is destructive, not only to
family and friends, but to themselves as well. People with good intentions struggle
to help, but nothing seems to happen. Other people try to help also but
sometimes their help is rejected or refused.
There is a saying, “It’s like beating my head against a
wall” because nothing seems to change. No matter what, that wall just will not
move. The picture is that the wall usually wins. And all that happens by “beating
our head against a wall” is a really bad headache.
Some may just want to stop trying to help. A person
would say, “I care about them too much.” Others would just continue to accept
the behavior and just tolerate the person. When is the right time to stop
“helping” the person who does not want the help?
Well, truth is, we cannot give up trying to help others
who do not want to be helped. Some people might say it’s pointless to continue.
But the Bible tells us constantly to not give up, to share burdens, and to run
the good race. It all points to going “above and beyond” what is necessary to do
what’s right. And that’s what God says. Even while we still sin God sent Jesus
to die for us. So why is it different for anyone else?
But, that does not mean we cannot control the response.
Our response to the person who does not want to be helped is just that, it’s
ours. Of course it needs to be in line with what God wants, but it’s still our
response.
We need to learn, right now, that no one can control
anyone else. What can be done is to control how we “respond” to them and get on
with life. Life is meant to be lived for God’s glory not yours or any other
person’s.
It is so frustrating and can be so hurtful. The person
trying to help becomes angry and frustrated. It leads to depression and giving
up. One may ask, “Why can’t they see what they are doing?” “Why do they keep
doing it?”
Some people don’t have a clue about how they treat
others is wrong because they only see themselves. They have a veil over their
eyes. They can’t see the right way to behave, even if they are told in clear
and exact terms. One can use God’s Word, but if there is no desire to change, that
Scripture is falling on the hard ground of a hard heart.
Some people know they are doing wrong, and they simply
don’t care. Simply, that is just messed up. It’s hard to accept, but they
really don’t care to change, and they don’t care how it is affecting anyone
else.
The problem is that the relationship needs to be seen from
a Christian or biblical perspective and the other person, perhaps knows the
truth of God’s Word, and maybe they don’t. God’s Word becomes an excuse instead
of correction. It doesn’t matter. They
won’t change until they are ready to change.
So, what can be done?
• Model
Behavior – The best way to influence, not control, others is to be a role model of how to act. Is it perfect? No,
it’s not, but Jesus says in Matthew 5:16, “In the same way, you should be a light for other people. Live so
that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven.” Let
your light shine before them.
Someone may say, “But I tried that.” And then realize
once again that the other person may never copy the desired behavior. The best
advice would be to let go of it. They can choose to change by seeing what God
says and by the example of that character. Sometimes, even seeing it right
before their eyes every day does not insure that they will change.
• Pray for them
– Ask God to change them. If God changed the heart of Pharaoh to let the slaves
go, I know He has the ability to change people too. There are many examples in
the Bible where God overcame the hearts of people to bring change. Many times
the Bible says that with God all things are possible and with God NOTHING is
impossible. The problem is that we are not God.
• Set
Boundaries – If the person is acting hurtfully and not paying attention,
set boundaries. Be respectful.
Be gracious. In Luke 6:31 Jesus was very clear, “Do
to others as you would like them to do to you.” A person will only
change when they want to change.
• Be Careful – People can
fake changing. Jesus uses the picture of wolves that are dressed like sheep. Some
people are manipulators. They will change for a little while, but eventually the
old ways come back to the surface.
The only lasting change has to come from God. People do
not have the ability within themselves to bring into their life lasting
behavioral or personality changes. We don’t have that capability — only God
does.
So, let’s review. The person needs to recognize they
are outside God’s plan and something needs to change. That is the first step. Only God can change someone. The more someone
recognizes they are outside God’s will, the more they will resist. Any attempt to
change will meet that resistance. The response to them can be controlled. It
does not need to be ugly. There is no guilt. The choice is there and the choice
is theirs. Let go and let God.
